this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
sarcasm needs its own font
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Houston, we have a blender
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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