am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize