dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
