so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
