I love black thongs
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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