just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize