like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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