oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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