Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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