I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
