Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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