just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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