You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
