did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
