i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
