Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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