This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
