he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
