sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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