I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
