Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
