How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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