hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
