My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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