I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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