I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
