Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
