I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
