2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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