I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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