dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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