We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
