Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
