Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
