fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
