The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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