Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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