So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Ketchup is God's man juice
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
