I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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