Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize