I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
