the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
