so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
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