using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
