I like my sex mixed with concussions.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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