What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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