There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
