non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
