new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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