Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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