when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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