Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
