Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize