matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
