I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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