Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
