I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
