If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
