Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
