just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
sarcasm needs its own font
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
