he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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