Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
